“Why do I have to go through the grieving process?” a friend complained. “I’d rather stuff my feelings, distract myself, or run far, far away.”
Acknowledging feelings of sadness regarding a loss or change can be scary. Many people would rather avoid the mourning process — and the accompanying feelings of vulnerability and pain — altogether. However, the danger with unprocessed grief is that it often appears later in indirect and unhealthy ways, such as distractive immersion in entertainment or busy-ness, emotional eating, alcoholism or drug use, or even violent anger responses.
The grieving process is important when facing a catastrophic loss, such as losing a loved one. But it is just as important for any type of loss, change, or adjustment that is difficult to face or accept!
Grieving and mourning are not only healthy responses to loss and change; they are needed so that a person can find closure and eventually move on. Author Anne Lamott (1999) puts it this way, “But what I’ve discovered since is that the lifelong fear of grief keeps us in a barren, isolated place and that only grieving can heal grief; the passage of time will lessen the acuteness, but time alone, without the direct experience of grief, will not heal it.”
Below are some helpful tips to cope and get through the grief process:
- Acknowledge the loss and its impact. Each loss can have significant impact. The loss could be of a unrealized dream, an unmet expectation, a lost freedom, a missed opportunity, or any disappointment. You cannot address something you do not admit. The first step is to identify the loss and how it affects you.
- Don’t stuff your feelings. Feel your feelings, as painful as they may be. Like ocean waves, feelings ebb and flow. Let your feelings bubble up, note them, feel them, and then let them pass on their own accord. Do not live in denial. Although you may not like feeling sad, angry, or disappointed, your negative emotions will not hurt or kill you. You can survive them.
- Externalize the internal. Make a list of all your complaints and feelings until you have nothing else to write. By externalizing your thoughts and feelings, you take away their power. You can then identify the underlying issues beneath your surface feelings. You can even choose to laugh at them or dismiss them, saying, “Ha ha, is that all?!” To avoid a full-blown pity party, make an equally long gratitude list. You may be surprised by how good this exercise can make you feel, as you remember the blessings in your life.
- Find a safe person to share with and/or a safe environment in which to “fall apart.” A job or regular responsibilities may mean that you cannot break down and cry — or even think about what you’re going through — immediately when strong feelings come. Schedule some time for yourself to process your grief. When you need a moment, excuse yourself to the restroom or go outside for fresh air. Most people find it helpful to talk to someone who is “safe,” meaning a person who listens, does not minimize feelings, and offers support. You can also consider professional counseling resources to add to your network of “safe” persons.
- Be prepared for unexpected triggers or episodes. The pain of old losses is often triggered by a more recent change or loss. If you did not adequately grieve previous losses, the unresolved grief work remains. A seemingly minor loss may trigger an avalanche of painful feelings, and you may need to grieve multiple losses at the same time. To keep from feeling overwhelmed, remind yourself that you need to grieve only as much as your body and mind can take at any one time. Spread out your mourning and grief episodes, and take the pressure off yourself to complete all your grieving at once.
- Process the pain and grief. There are many creative and culturally meaningful ways to process your pain and grief. Choose what works for you. You can give yourself permission to cry when needed, write in a journal, or express your grief through art or music. Consider writing letters to lost loved ones or estranged family members; even though the letters are often not mailed, writing will help you process your feelings. Or join a grief group in the community or at a faith-based center to gain support, acquire companionship in the grief journey, and learn how others have dealt with their grief.
- Find ways to start feeling better. Seek out activities that refresh, energize, or comfort you when you are sad. (Note: Avoid strategies that are destructive or unhealthy to you or others.) Try exercising, taking a scenic walk, talking to a safe person, praying or meditating, engaging in healthy social interaction, seeking needed solitude time, gardening, working around the house, or meeting a friend for tea.
- Whittle down your To Do list. Be realistic about your energy level and time available for tasks and responsibilities while you are grieving. Prioritize the most important tasks and responsibilities to create the margin and space needed for your healthy emotional processes. Review the items on your To Do list, and let go (temporarily) of any that can be postponed.
If a person have a history of the aforementioned levitra sales uk cute-n-tiny.com problems, or if they have a diet high in fiber and containing soy is believed to be beneficial for prostate health. Although obvious, one of the biggest differences is that women who take it are more sexually responsive and no longer cialis soft canada have vaginal dryness. Men tends to worry about many things related to viagra cheap generic sexual activity like size of male reproductive organ, sexual performance etc. Assume the responsibility of bridging that gap and being the missing piece. levitra low cost
Ancient Judeo-Christian scriptures agree that grief and mourning are good and necessary. Matthew 5:4 states, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted,” and Ecclesiastes 7:4 says, “The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.” May these shared tips be helpful in your own grief and mourning process.
References